The Peace of Being Small

Pretty controversial isn't it.

Sometime last month, I decided I needed to finally put my foot down.Within days, I pushed through the mess of getting a week’s leave approved right before a big product release.

what followed later was a day full of travel, and i landed into the place where i felt most close to feeling the presence of God...

About 11 years ago, when my dad was struggling with a life and death situation i made a pact with god, if he/she made my dad, come back to life in full flow i would get full on to him. Unfortunately, He didn’t make it and something inside me broke that day.

I failed to feel presence of god, in any capacity around me. I tried harder, and harder to believe, tag along with the beliefs of others, go to temples but none of it worked. And if you asked me i would make a 101 arguments about why should you believe in god. But in case you asked if i believed in god, i wouldn't have given you a confident answer.

I had been a very religious person whole my childhood, and along with my grandmother i was deep into religious practises. Doing elaborate Pooja (worship rituals) every sunday morning, reciting shlokas, listening to all the religious stories and what not. When i see my work table full of plants now, i recall that the first plant that i ever planted was Tulsi plant(holy basil) , and took such a great care that i was the healthiest and tallest tulsi plant i haven't seen a comparable size plant till now in my life.

Coming back to now, 11 years of void inside me finally found some solace. About 3 years ago, I went on a winter trek with my Horse-powered buddy. And he had the energy of multiple horses and was only of our group to have made it to summit. I could get to the shoulder of the peak, and the next destination was the one that moved me.

An hour drive from Dehradun, we reached Rishikesh. The yoga capital of the world. 

It was the first time in years that i felt something settle inside me. I felt a sense of calm that i had been missing since ever. I felt fulfilled. 

I always had a fear of water, but still took up white water rafting when the temperature outside was -2 C. And i jumped out into the water with my life jacket on. After the initial cold shock, something shifted. And I would give anything to feel that again.

I felt a small part of something very big, i felt humbled, i felt a deep sense of respect of the river. I finally felt something I could worship. My thoughts and mind just bowed down in sense of respect and without any logical/rational conflict my mind accepted the godliness of the situation.

 

And this time when i went to what my heart fully accepts as god. I could surrender.I stopped negotiating. I didn't ask this God to fulfil a pact or settle a debt. I simply thanked the river for existing, and for allowing me to stand within it, I thanked it for allowing me to come back. I felt so humbled in front of it, and the idea that it serves the lifeline of million and makes such a huge impact made me feel small in front of its enormity. And that, feeling of being in the presence of something so significant huge, made me feel that if god exists, its right here in this moment in front of me. 

As a symbol of dropping the ego that had spent eleven years trying to argue with the universe. I let the hair fall, and with it, the exhaustion of trying. I accepted.

Now that i think of our Indian culture, i couldn't been more prouder of our religious teaching of worshiping nature, the truly live giving force that you can always feel the presence of, and be humbled. 

I spent a decade struggling to feel big and impactful, only to find that the greatest satisfaction was finally being allowed to feel small.