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It has been exactly 10 years since I lost my dad.

I have never been able to let this story out of myself but It keeps me haunting at the back of my mind. I carry a lot of burden of this story, and keep blaming internally to myself. I almost keep running away from the entire incident recap but, I now think that if the way to acceptance is passing through it, let's try giving it a shot.

I think it was 3 October, 2014. I was in my class 11th, just starting out a new school, new hostel with a tag of scholarship, that lifted a lot of load of my father's shoulders since no single penny was to be spent on my education hence forth. My sister was studying in one of high shot private engineering colleges, and that left us almost no money to spend on anything else. 

I was determined to get to my best, and break the doors to IITs with an envious score. 

With me were 14 other people in the state, who shared a large dormitory, and even a larger dream. And the competition, it was as intense as you could ever imagine. The furniture, beds, tables, sports everything that could have easily been one of my most desirable thing weeks ago, held no value. Every single minute, we counted worth weight in gold. We barely slept in the nights, and completed some part of the maximum 6 hours we allowed ourselves in school during classes.

Coming back to Oct 3, it was a day later than October 2, when we got our first vacation. It was Navratri, I was all excited for a breather back home. I asked my father if I could take the bus and comeback home. He asked him to stay one more day as he would come the next day and pick up. Everyone from my hostel went back and I was the only one staying. The staffs in the hostel kept asking me repeatedly, when would i go. I was sad and angry at my dad for making me stay a day and a half extra.

He came the next day afternoon, and we went back. On the way he said that he wanted to get a blood test done. So he gave the sample, and asked to wait for A day, or 4 to 5 hours I don't exactly remember what it was. Whatever it was, I suggested that let's go home and collect the report next week once he comes to drop. I thought it was a routine test, and one week later report was not a big thing. He agreed and we went home. 

One week later the day before i was supposed to go, on the previous evening, I was at neighbours place chatting around. My dad, probably came outside and called me, I said that I would come in sometime and continued talking. Once i came back, he had slight fever, and he was fumbling in speech. He also a drooped face, and couldn't balance walking. I thought it was just fever, I asked him to not drop me next day, instead go and see the doctor in nearby city. My mom, called my uncle and aunt so that we know what to do the next. We stayed around my dad and put wet clothes on his forehead for fever. I think i dozed off later since i was very tired. I think my mom stayed up the night.

Next morning, the situation did improve, my uncle called the local compounder. He said there is some reaction and gave antibiotic injection. And i think that was it, i saw foam coming out of my dads mouth. My heart sank, we had to take him to the hospital immediately. I along with my uncle and aunt started in one of my most agonising journey of life. We reached hospital and 5 days it was pure trauma. At the end i was told that his brain nerves and blood blood vessels had exploded. He was in come and we cannot save him. I asked if there is any way to help, they denied. My mom came to the hospital following day, since she had to take care of the hostel we ran for our livelihood back home she couldn't come with us earlier. We were both accompanied back home, my sister was immediately flown in from her college, they said that they were hoping for a miracle once my sister is around my dad. My dad loved my sister the most, so we thought it might lead to some miracle. Nothing helped we were all back home. My fathers dead body was brought back home, and something broke inside me seeing my dad lying lifeless on under the litchi tree that he loved eating fruits from. My mom, my sister they cried inconsolably, but me i don't remember crying. I did all the rituals that had to be done, I still remember clearly the time i had to put fire to my father body. I wish nobody has go through this ever in life. It was all finished, then came the most difficult time for our family. The following six years, each of my family member held on to themselves and fought one of the toughest battle of survival we might have to ever face. There was nobody coming to save us, and each of me, my sister and my mom, we have uncountable stories of the dreadful situations that we individually face, each story more daunting then the previous, but we stayed put.

It has been 10 years now, 6 years of pure hell, till the day i started earning money. Our financial situation has improved every single passing day and God has been kind in the entire journey of these 10 years. Helping us in days we never thought we could get through, and I am highly grateful for everything in life that came last few years. Each day without my father around was tough, and I could not help imagining and even planning what our life could have been if he was around. The incident lead to a big change inside me, though something is permanently broken inside me, but once that stayed they have been as rock solid as it could get.

On days, I imagine what if i didn't go to my neighbours home chatting that evening when my dad called me, what if i could have taken a call to take him to the hospital immediately, what if i had known that he physical appearing was all an evident sign of stroke, maybe he would have been around, and finally felt proud of me, all these what ifs keeps hanging in the air, and i believe they always will, haunting me some nights with the questions i so badly hope I had given correct answers to just in time. 

I have to write this blog, as this is like a stone in my head. It doesn't let me write something else till I write this one. This might have felt too personal for you, so I apologise for this one. Thank you for understanding and staying put.