D for Death
This is my fourth blog in the "April A-Z blog challenge".
The title Sounds a little spooky na,
It did to me as well, but we can't ignore it. Perhaps, it's the only permanent thing in life, that nobody can ever deny.
Fear of death scared the hell out of me.
All my childhood I wouldn't go anywhere close to a waterbody, won't climb the trees at home my other friends would happily do, would never go closer to mountains, won't drive a bike, all of them because I felt it brought me closer to death. And I was told, that we shouldn't ever talk about death, like it's never ever going to come.
But it came pretty close to me, I have seen death close to my eyes in my family. I witnessed my grandfather pass away when I was 5, my grandmother passed away when I was 9, and my father passed away when I was 15. And as you guessed it, I never knew how to deal with any of these situations, because we never ever talked about it, as if we would always be untouched by it. Females in my family cried out aloud, while males acted as if they have asked to play the role of a silent weirdo in a movie, in the days and around close to these incidents.
I was in utter shock, it felt something like a piece of land has been from beneath my legs. But I couldn't yell, I couldn't shout, and I couldn't cry out aloud. I was told to be a man and take care of the women in the house. But what happens to my grief, and my tears, never crossed anybody's mind. I was never given a safe environment to express my feeling and helplessness, even today. I miss them all really bad today, except for my pillow which stood by me, even after being wet in the freezing cold night. Today, I am ready to sacrifice anything to get them back, but when it was the time when the universe took them back, I couldn't shed my tears and plead not to do so.
The last death I saw was of my fathers. But again toxic masculinity of society and my degraded self-confidence prevented me to express what I felt. Do you know how I dealt with it, I felt totally numb. When I was a child, my father used to take me to a food outlet in the city and I loved it so much that I was totally nuts about it. The taste was heaven for me on the entire earth. I would always bug him to take me there whenever we were around that area, or every other week. But since he is not there anymore, as a sign of my grief, I gave up on it. I have stood in front of it multiple times, watching people come and go, but my feet never dared to step inside.7 years down the line, I pass by my favorite food shop multiple times only to close my eyes, turn my face to the other side and walk along. That's the only socially acceptable way I found to date to deal with my biggest loss.
Speaking of death,
I believe every one of us thinks multiple times about our own life, and about what we want from it. We always have a dream and a plan about how it should unfold, but have we ever given a thought to how would we want our death to be.
I have given it a thought, here are my wishes for the way I die and those reading this post if even one of you helps me achieve some of them, I will bless you every day I am in my grave.
I want myself to be buried under a shady tree, preferably in the middle of a field. I would love it if you plant another tree over the spot I am buried. If you ever visit my grave, don't bring flowers. And if you really want to bring flowers bring your loved one along and give those flowers to them. I will be happy. Don't come on days when you are busy, I know you will have a life to live even if mine is done. But the day you come, have at least 3, 4 hours in hand. Bring a mat, spread it aside my grave, and talk to me. Tell me everything that's troubling you. I will listen to you, even if I don't solve them. If you feel alone hug the tree you planted on my grave, I will hug you back. If you drink alcohol please bring it for me as well, and get your few friends along so that we can all share a drink or two together and have a great time, and conversations. If you are coming with somebody make sure that you give them a hug then before you leave, just the way you know I would have.
Don't come here and tell me how much you loved me, if you really love me, Now is the time when I can hear it the best. If possible, name your pet dog after me, and love it as much as you wish you could love me. I promise you I would love you much more in my four-legged form.
If you are organizing the mourning meeting about me, tell my friends to show you all my embarrassing photos, so that you know I had a big life with those idiots. Don't tell good things about me there, tell good things about the other people who are present there, and in your heart.
And don't worry about me I will be happy once I die like I mostly am. Smiling at you, as you get happy in your life.
In fact, now, I have also started accepting that fact and preparing for it. I now try at every chance to stare back and its face and consider myself happy to be blessed with this life. I do all the adventures, and crazy things that my inner self I afraid of. I hug my friends an extra minute, every time I get a chance to. I listen to people telling me their stories and sit next to them saying nothing for long, under the moonlit sky, under the stars.
If I am going to die, I want to live all the days I have before that. I will definitely die, but I want to make sure I die only once.
I would love to know your idea about death.
Never really thought about my death but I only thing I think of is when I die , would want to hear from people around me that I lived a good life. That would be my peaceful death.
ReplyDeleteI am sure you are living one such my friend, thank you for visiting.
DeleteYou have cultivated a completely new perspective of death. I never imagined I would an article on death so pleasing to read !
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your comment, I am so happy that i could help you see it from a different angle.
DeleteDeath is beautiful dream than life. In life, you will go to other people for meeting, but in death, people come to you for meeting. Peace is in death, that's why it is called Rest in peace.
ReplyDeleteBut, if you compare the life, then you will know, you can make memories and enjoy that memories in life only. In death, that's memories feads away.
I wish for you that you will enjoy and make more beautiful memories in life before your death.
Yeah absolutely, I agree with what you are trying to put out. Its the beautiful memories that helps us navigate tough times in our life, and we can only enjoy them as long as we are alive. Similar to life, my death has an unusual charm my heart believes.
DeleteThank you for dropping by and adding a comment.